www.StupidGamblers.com A site for stories and quips about stupid gamblers, gambling, and ridiculous gambling superstitions.

As most any casino gaming Dealer, or at least semi-intelligent casino gaming dealer knows, a gambler's personality ranges from the mildly pleasant to the galactically moronic.  Particularly in a locals market, like Detroit, Michigan, these idiots can make SpongeBob Squarepants look like Albert Einstien.  These fools will bring in their truck payment, trying to turn it into a house payment.  And the whole time they're gambling, they're gobbling up every ignorant slice of superstition and remark of just plain stupidity served to them.  The ridiculous beliefs of these lazy, greedy fools are at least mind boggling, if not entertaining.  Listening to these people, it is easy to get lost somewhere between awkward disbelief and boisterous laughter.   They are so very willing to accept any tidbit of yankthisoneoutofyourass advice, no matter how preposterous, if they think it could get them that much closer to a winning hand.  I have compiled, and will continue adding to, a list of Stupid Gambler stories, ramblings and superstitions.  I hope over time to add those of other casino gaming folks so we can all have a good laugh at the expense of our patrons.

OK.  Here we go. Stupid Gambler stories, and stupid things Stupid Gamblers say and do. (more will be added as I hear them)

Caribbean Stud Poker "Queens run together." No!  The cards are SHUFFLED!  They don't search each other out and rearrange themselves in the deck.  DUH!

Blackjack "You gotta leave the bust card for the Dealer." What!?  Where is the bust card?  The next card, two, three cards into the shoe?  Is the Dealer even going to draw a card?  Is there any legal way for you to know?  NO!  Play your hand, dummy.

Blackjack "The Dealer's got a two.  Somebody has to hit." What!?  Does someone here think the cards are placed into the shoe in a predetermined order?   Come on, the cards are SHUFFLED!  Play your hand, dummy.

Again, the cards are NOT placed into the shoe in a predetermined order.   They are SHUFFLED!  When someone at the table gets up, sits down, twirls in their seat, hits, doesn't hit...you still end up with the same thing:Randomly shuffled cards.  When someone does something you don't like at the table, the odds are even that their move could help you, hurt you or have no effect.  If you're too dumb to realize that, and someone else's actions at the table still bother you, don't bitch, go to another table.  Smile and play your hand, you moron.  Oh, by the way, if she's looking at you funny, you could have spinach in your teeth, or maybe she's just drunk.

Blackjack "This is an unlucky Dealer." What!?  Don't shoot the messenger.  The Dealer pulls the cards out of the shoe one at a time, and places them on the table.  Once the cards are shuffled and placed in the shoe, it doesn't matter who pulls them out, the supervisor, the pit boss, a player, O.J. Simpson, yo mama, or even yes, an "unlucky Dealer", the next card IS the next card.  Just play.  If you can't handle losing, stop blaming others, and stop gambling.

Any Table Game "This is an unlucky Dealer." Why is it that when a Stupid Gambler loses, it's because of a bad Dealer, but when a Stupid Gambler wins, it's because they're a good player?  Maybe it just feels better to pat yourself on the back for being such a fantastic, super human God of the casino and winning a game of chance.  Wow, you're good.  And as for that unlucky Dealer when you lose...damn him for forcing you to get in your car, drive to the casino, sit at the table, pull out your wallet and put your hard earned money on the table.  Yeah, pass the buck, hell, all the bucks.

Craps-Dice "No wonder the shooter sevened out, the Dealer let the dice get cold." Whaaaa?!  The stick man holds back the dice, those two perfectly balanced, inanimate objects, so the base Dealers can finish placing the player's bets, and the dice get "cold"?  The pixie dust had time to fall off of them?  I asked the Tooth Fairy about that one, and she didn't buy it.  I tend to think dice are dice, and they land where they land.  Grow up!

Craps-Dice "You have to school the dice." Oh, I get it.  You stand there, making everyone wait for you, while you roll the dice in front of you over and over again, because you're teaching the little red plastic cubes how to land on the numbers you bet on.  Perhaps you could save time by just showing the dice what bets you've placed, or maybe just whisper the numbers into their little dice ears.  I'm sure they'll listen to you.  (This is where my eyes roll up and back, you dork.) Throw the dice.

Caribbean Stud Poker and Three Card Poker "Has the Dealer been qualifying?" Why should you care if the Dealer has or has not been qualifying?  You should only be concerned if you were playing those hands.  Each hand is completely independent of all the others.  Past qualifications give zero indication as to whether the Dealer's next hand is going to qualify or not.  Look to the future, expect nothing.

Roulette "Watch the board to see what has been hitting, so you know how to bet" Why should you care where the little white ball has been landing on previous spins?  You weren't betting then, you're betting now.  That little white ball hasn't been keeping track of where it was, and wouldn't care even if it could.  Each spin is completely independent of all the others.  The ball is spun, it bounces, it lands.  No rocket surgery here.  Play for fun.  When you're done, go home.

Mini-Baccarat "Write down all the past hands on your scorecard, so you know how to bet" Again, why do you care?  Each hand is completely independent of all the others.  It's just war, with more cards.  Stop trying to outguess the shoe.  It's obviously smarter than you, or else you'd have the edge.

Blackjack "I KNEW the Dealer had a face card under there!" When the Dealer's up card is an Ace, the Dealer offers you insurance, you don't take insurance, and the Dealer ends up having Blackjack and taking your money, don't.  Just don't.  Don't do it.  Resist with all your might.  DO NOT tell everyone that you knew the Dealer had Blackjack.  If you knew, you would have purchased insurance.  If you knew and didn't purchase insurance, you're dumber than we all thought.  If you're just looking to give your money away, find a good charity and write a check.  Stay home.  At least then we wouldn't have to listen to you piss and moan.  Loser.

Words I'd like to wear on a t-shirt in a casino "Win all you can, you're all still a bunch of losers."

Caribbean Stud Poker and Three Card Poker "Hey, Dealer.  Double shuffle the cards.  We're losing." What part of shuffled don't you understand?  The cards are   s h u f f l e d .  They are constantly being put into new random order.    R a n d o m   o r d e r  .   They can be shuffled once, twice, a hundred times, and one shuffle isn't going to increase or decrease your odds any more or less than two shuffles.  If you can, do the math. That's the whole concept of games of chance. C H A N C E.

Any Table Game "I can never win with this Dealer." DUH!  If you're really so amazingly lacking in active brain cells that you can believe that a particular Dealer could possibly be the reason for you not getting the winning cards you so dearly deserve, be courteous to the Dealer and yourself, and leave the table.  You don't want to lose your hard earned cash, and the Dealer certainly has no desire to listen to you whine.  If you can't have fun losing your money at the casino, find another hobby.

Any Table Game, After Changing of the Cards "These cards are just like the other ones." I can't believe I actually heard someone say that at a Three Card Poker table.  Yes, genius, four Aces, four Kings, four twos, four threes, all shuffled.....What did you expect?  Nine Aces and a twelve of cows?

Caribbean Stud Poker and Three Card Poker "We're losing because of the way the Dealer is shuffling the cards." Again, what part of shuffled don't you understand?  Shuffled is shuffled.  If there was a way to shuffle them to make the players win, you could get a job as a Dealer, deal that "special shuffling way" to your friends and make a ton of money.  Not gonna happen.  Your overt stupidity bores me.  Just shut up or go home.

Blackjack "It matters where you place the cut card" After the cards have been shuffled and the Dealer hands someone the cut card, please realize this is just done as a small courtesy.  Resist the urge to make mindless statements like "Thin to win".  Thin to win? Because it rhymes?  Because you have to chant it like all the other sheep in the casino.  Got nothing better to say?  Silence is golden.  Shuffled is shuffled, cutting is just part of the random process.  Lay off the crack.

Any Table Game "That guy got out, that was my hand, that would've been yours..." Here we go.  Someone gets out, gets in, waited, didn't wait, had to pee, peed in their chair, ate dinner before gambling, caught the red light on the way to the casino.......whatever. Stop trying to figure it out.  It doesn't matter.  It's over.  Nobody knew what would happen. Your cards are the ones right in front of you.  When this hand is over, go check your diaper.

Any Table Game "Hey, do you mind waiting a couple of hands before getting in?" Hell yes I mind!  I'm here on my time, not yours.  Let's just pretend I got here five hands ago and I've waited already.  Now I'm in.  Or maybe I've been watching from the aisle for the last ten minutes.  Or does time waiting only count if I'm in the magic circle?  Will this upset the gambling gods?  The Easter bunny says stepping in now is NOT going to upset the balance of all life in the universe.  He understands that.  Why can't you?  Twit.

This site initiated 1/30/07

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